trust and assurance.

Me and my ex-girlfriend had a little chat over the phone four years after we broke up. We were friends even before I courted her so everything came out naturally as we talked. It was a funny conversation, we had fun remembering crazy stuffs and we laugh out loud as we muse over the stupidity of high school life. 

I can’t remember who brought it out first but the topic reached our past relationship and how we broke-up. Suddenly the tone of our discussion went serious. (phew!) One thing I am most afraid of: “confrontation”. I believe God is with me in that spiteful day as He was guarding my heart and guiding me with the words I’ll choose. It’s hard to recall how the things went on but there’s this piece that keeps on banging in my mind that not until few months later did I realize what it means. 

“You didn’t trust me that much.” I said. Her reply was quite simple, “And you failed to give me the assurance I need”. 

Well, the conversation turned out to be smooth, (praise God) but more than that, it triggered me to reminisce situations that I encountered these two powerful words; trust and assurance.
 

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My parents raised me well (they've done the best that they could to raise me well, that is). Anyhow, I turned out to be self centered and spoiled brat (hehe!). But one of the things that I am thankful to them is teaching me the value of trust and assurance. They have faith in me that I won’t do something stupid. For them, I am worthy to be trusted. But way back then I didn’t care (I didn’t even mind at all). 

Feeling free, I tried to explore things, things that are meant to be explored. Bang! Despite all the trust they’ve given somewhere somehow I fell short. (let’s not go into details, this reserves another blog haha!). But instead of being beaten up, I was embraced with love. What a perfect moment! (if I had a camera that time, would surely take pictures hehe!) However, what surprised me the most was the confidence they have in me. After all that had happened, they gave me trust, the same trust I got from the very beginning. 

Lesson #1:

There’s no such as thing as “halfheartedly trust”. When you say you trust somebody, with or without assurance, trust with all your heart. Me? I was betrayed so many times (more than one is many ha ha ha) but one thing that caused me to give my 100% trust again is the fact that God (and my parents) never hesitated to share it to me even if I failed to give Him (them) the assurance.
 

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I wouldn’t be here (a missionary) if I don’t trust the Lord. But there are times that even if I know that God is in control, I still look for something that will affirm me of it. I wanted security, something I could hold on to. It doesn’t mean there’s none but the mystery of finding it is such an irritant. I failed to see the assurance from Him. Thus, I alternated between times of despair and times of firm confidence that God is in charge even when evidences of it seemed painfully lacking. I actually spent more time unproductively thinking if I am going to follow or not rather than actually doing it and letting Him take charge.

Lesson #2:

Worrying won’t do any good; it will just slow you down. Unwavering confidence will not come easily but moving forward is what matters. “If you’ll focus on what you got behind, you’ll never be able to see what lies ahead” (Gusteau, Ratatouille) and besides, God’s assurance is there, we just have to look deeper on things, it’s a matter of perspective. “You can complain that roses have thorns or you can rejoice that thorn have roses” (Vince Saplot, YFC FTW)
 

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She was my first girlfriend. I have to admit I love her (proof? I never had a serious relationship after her). We had good times, (we’re both math quizzers) we went review together (hehe!) we shared notes and if she happens borrow mine, I’ll secretly put my love letter there to surprise her, she calls me gang (shorth for pangga) I asked her why, she said it sounds cute, so I started calling her the same way too. (mga ka-corny-han sa high school ha ha ha). For me, I finally found the one I’ll marry, or so I thought. 

Here comes college and we went separate ways. She sends a letter every now and then; I, on the other hand reads it (haha!). I hate to write then, I’d rather solve a whole sheet of math problems (and besides, my penmanship sucks). It went on for a few months but fate says, we’re not meant for each other. Tears fell (out of joy? haha!). 

Why? If I will be the one to say it, she failed to give me her trust, but on her side of the story it is I who failed to give the assurance she needs. I hate to admit it, but the truth is it’s more of the latter part.
 
Lesson #3:

Don’t ask for trust when you can’t give the assurance. Assurance is not one’s responsibility to seek from the person he trusts, but rather, it’s the other way around, It is one’s accountability to show assurance to those who trust in him. Looking on the other side of the coin will always make me shrink. I am always asking the Lord for a guarantee yet I can’t give Him the same.
 

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Relationships (whether with God, family, co workers or special someone) perhaps is not all about Trust and Assurance but it definitely has to have both.

 Live, laugh and loveoutloud!