Lamentations

I have lost passion in service (ok, I might have been lazy before but I’ve never been this lazy haha!) and have been causing more pain than helping the mission. Because I’m bored, I get so easily disappointed with people I work with and been so critical with my leaders’ decisions (maybe I wasn’t just looking but I just can’t find the inspiration I need).

My parents are facing issues that I can’t do anything (because we never really talk that much) and that is just frustrating.

After recovering from a failed relationship, I am falling in love but I’m having reservations due to the complications it will bring. Because of the times I wasted in thinking, I am at the brink of losing her.

My finances can’t cope-up with my lifestyle.

And friends? Haha! Nang iiwan ako ng kaibigan, who wants to have friends with somebody like that? And dapat sa akin hindi kinakausap. I’m snob, full of pride and stubborn, why would people waste time with me? Haha! There are those however, who are exceptional and were able to chew and still are chewing the bitter side of me. (I just don’t know for how long haha!)

I stopped my prayer time and haven’t had a good conversation with God for months now.

My pretension that everything is fine, that I’m ok and that there’s nothing wrong with me, is making it even worse. I find it hard to accept this but I have to admit, my life is in a mess. Never have I felt lost and so confused in my life. I have been living alone for the past 28 years of my existence but I have never felt this lonely.

Yesterday, unprepared, I got the punch I need, a blow right straight to my face, a fatal hit. (Jep Calumag, you won this time, but itaga mo sa bato, I will get back at you with vengeance. haha!)

I have decided to pick myself up and recover from that knock-out, slowly, limping a bit but still getting up.

This is going to be a long 40-day journey of much needed lamentation. Haha! Hard, yes! But this for sure is going to be worth it.

So I begin.

---