Lamentations v3

I am where I am right now solely because of the things that I can do. I am good and that I am needed. Because I am a missionary, I have pleased God through the things that I do. Or so I thought.

While it is true that I am where I am because of what I can do that God can use, the problem came in when I became too proud of it, when I focused on what I can do and on how I do it instead of why and to whom am I doing it for.

If perfection and holiness will be the basis, I am not qualified to be here. Yes I have resolved to pursue holiness but there are still times when I indulge myself into the pleasures the world can offer. If efficiency and excellence will be the standard to satisfy God, I have fallen short a hundred times. Yes there were moments that I gave my all but I can’t deny instances when I settled for mediocrity.

And so I am left with nothing but a broken heart and spirit, but let me offer these to you. My sacrifice, God, is a broken spirit; God, do not spurn a broken, humbled heart.

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“Lord, turn away your face from my sins; blot out all my guilt. Do not drive me from your presence, nor take me your holy spirit. Restore my joy in your salvation; sustain in me a willing spirit. Change my heart, o God. And fill my heart with joy as I bring your salvation. Amen.”

the story behind #lamentations

Lamentations v2

“Lord, you are rejected by the elders, the chief priests and the scribes and you suffered greatly. Lord, I too have rejected you and your ways at times. I have not understood the way to life you gave me. When I transgress, I grieve you, but I also suffer the consequences. Grant me the grace to follow you and to lose my life for your sake. Amen”

the story behind #lamentations

Lamentations v1

I am reminiscing and reliving the moment when God first found me. I was bathing with mud but he picked me up anyhow, I was filled with dirt but He embraced me anyway. Without second thoughts, without hesitation He held my hand and said “you are forgiven”. It was His mercy that showed me how to really live.

I have been in the business of loving people as a fulltime worker for 7 years and I’d be hypocrite if I'll say that I have lived my life according to God’s standards all of the time. Most of my time was spent way shorter from being holy and way farther from sharing His love. But God never left me even so. I have lived my missionary life with His grace. His grace took me to greater heights; His grace allowed me to experience things I have never even thought possible; His grace brought me people who have not just become instruments of His love but objects of it.

Grace and mercy taught me how to really live and love. Apparently, I have forgotten the lesson so He is patiently teaching it once more.

My God is not tired, never was and will never get tired of loving me.

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“Lord, forgive me for I have sinned. I have failed to live out my covenant with you faithfully. My heart is pained for offending you, but I know that your heart is grieved even more. Have mercy on me, God, in your goodness; in your abundant compassion blot out my offense. Wash away all my guilt; from my sin cleanse me. A clean heart create for me, God; renew in me a steadfast spirit. Amen.”

the story behind #lamentations

Lamentations

I have lost passion in service (ok, I might have been lazy before but I’ve never been this lazy haha!) and have been causing more pain than helping the mission. Because I’m bored, I get so easily disappointed with people I work with and been so critical with my leaders’ decisions (maybe I wasn’t just looking but I just can’t find the inspiration I need).

My parents are facing issues that I can’t do anything (because we never really talk that much) and that is just frustrating.

After recovering from a failed relationship, I am falling in love but I’m having reservations due to the complications it will bring. Because of the times I wasted in thinking, I am at the brink of losing her.

My finances can’t cope-up with my lifestyle.

And friends? Haha! Nang iiwan ako ng kaibigan, who wants to have friends with somebody like that? And dapat sa akin hindi kinakausap. I’m snob, full of pride and stubborn, why would people waste time with me? Haha! There are those however, who are exceptional and were able to chew and still are chewing the bitter side of me. (I just don’t know for how long haha!)

I stopped my prayer time and haven’t had a good conversation with God for months now.

My pretension that everything is fine, that I’m ok and that there’s nothing wrong with me, is making it even worse. I find it hard to accept this but I have to admit, my life is in a mess. Never have I felt lost and so confused in my life. I have been living alone for the past 28 years of my existence but I have never felt this lonely.

Yesterday, unprepared, I got the punch I need, a blow right straight to my face, a fatal hit. (Jep Calumag, you won this time, but itaga mo sa bato, I will get back at you with vengeance. haha!)

I have decided to pick myself up and recover from that knock-out, slowly, limping a bit but still getting up.

This is going to be a long 40-day journey of much needed lamentation. Haha! Hard, yes! But this for sure is going to be worth it.

So I begin.

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