My family is facing problems I know I should help but I just couldn’t. My relationship didn’t worked-out as so are my plans failed miserably. Insecurities came in and turned my primary motivation in doing the work because of and out of love for God to pleasing and seeking the approval of others. All that I have worked on, my plans, my hopes and dreams, everything seemed to fall apart.
All this whirlwind of events shook the very foundation of me. I even doubted my calling as a missionary, thinking that perhaps the reason why I am going through all of these is that this isn’t really the place where God wants me to be. Just when I though I got it all figured out where I’m heading, He changed the course.
Since then, my life has been a constant struggle of why, how, when, who and what. Questions upon questions. And all those time, I got no response. Or so I thought. All these questioning, relentless inquiries of mine lead me to 3 realizations that did not only change my outlook in life; it changed me for the better.
First, asking is different from questioning. The first one is with reverence, humility, respect and obedience, the other one connotes the other way around. Asking is seeking the reason why things happen and knowing God’s wisdom behind it without questioning His authority (Psalms 89).
Secondly, telling God your frustrations is different from complaining. You can share to God your plans much more with you pains, in doing so, you start to really be true to Him thus establishing relationship hence you begin to appreciate life and His great love. Complaining on the other hand does the opposite; it hides the blessings leaving you more depressed than ever.
Lastly, giving reasons for something is different from arguing. Giving reasons for something expresses love hence it builds, while arguing expresses disagreement and displeasure thus it destroys. Arguing with God won’t do good, we have no chance at all (Job 9:3). We can always talk to Him and reason out why we want to have those things in life but at the end we should always submit ourselves with what He wants for us (Job 9:15).
These three didn’t really answer the inquiries I have but it certainly helped me change my attitude towards things I have no control of.
Right now, I am still in discernment, in my brokenness I am slowly picking up some parts of me. And perhaps in the process I might step on parts that will break it to even smaller pieces, but I will still patiently pick it up, if it’s the price I have to pay just for me to be whole once more.
Only by His love, only by His grace that I am able to write again. What a way to celebrate Christ’s resurrection. Happy Easter everyone!
Even with frailties never will I cease to live, laugh and love out-loud.
